The 2008 NFL Regular Season is upon us. It’s been an interesting offseason in the NFL. Brett Favre retires, then says just kidding I still want to play. Is this finally going to be Brett Favre’s last season? There’s an exciting new crop of NFL rookies led by Darren McFadden and Jonathan Stewart, vying for rookie of the year. The NFL reinstated the oft-troubled Adam “I’m no longer Pacman” Jones. The Redskins shock everybody in picking Jim Zorn to replace Joe Gibbs, then suprisingly do little in pursuing offseason acquisitions (Jason Taylor doesn’t count, he was an emergency pickup). Not to mention the NFL installed a few new rules and removed a few:
- 3 & out – no more 5 yard incidental facemask
- 3 & out – no more force-out rule (two feet down inbounds or it’s not a catch)
- 1st & goal – teams can now defer the coin toss decision to the 2nd half
- 1st & goal – the defense will now be allowed to have a microphone helmet
- 1st & goal – for those times when the two officials on the filed who’s sole responsiblilty is ensuring a field goal is good can’t agree…. INSTANT REPLAY on kicks!
However, what hasn’t changed is Man Law. Man Law is constantly evolving, with new ones added as necessary. 8 Donkeys felt it necessary to provide a refresher on Man Law and has taken the time to assemble the laws you should familiarize yourself with for the 2008 NFL season. This is by no means an exhaustive list, rather one that should cover most situations men could find themselves in this upcoming NFL season.
Man Law #8: No one should ever steal a man’s alcohol from that man’s cooler…this is the only law that suffers the penalty of death — if you are invited over to another mans home to watch football, bring beer unless the host advises you he has enough beer. If the host does not advise you and you don’t ask, assume you need to bring beer (better safe than sorry). Nobody will ever complain and say “Wow, we have too much beer!” If you don’t arrive with beer prepare to be ridiculed and told to watch the game from the bathroom. If you are offered beer by the host of the football gathering, please see Man Law #49 below for further guidance.
Man Law #12: If another man’s fly is down, you didn’t see anything and may not make a comment about it — Commenting of any kind whether direct or indirect on the status of another man’s fly is completely unacceptable. No further comments needed.
Man Law #17: When toasting with beers you clank with the bottom — in order to reinforce this one, 8 Donkeys has included an instructional and informative video provided by the Men of the Square table.
Man Law #18: You poke it you own it — This one is particular to bar gatherings. 8 Donkeys again turn to the Men of the Square table for an instructional video…No fingering the beer!
Man Law #31: Every man should watch sports center at least once a day, though multiple viewings are recommended so that one can hold his own in any debate on sports that may arise that day — This one is critical when you are the new guy to the group. Never show up to an event without knowing at least 2 major sports updates or current events. It would be sad that your first visit could also possibly be your last for a long time.
Man Law #39: No more crushing of empty beer cans on your forehead. Modern, thinner cans make the feat less impressive than with cans of years past — 8 Donkeys again will defer to the Men of the Square Table, Are you going to argue with Triple H?
Man Law #49: No man shall ever turn down free beer because “it’s not their brand.” — Turning down free beer is like turning down sex from your wife or girlfriend because you are tired and have a headache – STUPID
Man Law #53: If you spill a man’s beer, you buy the next round/refill the cup — The beer spilled must be replaced with a beer of similar quality or better. Failure to do so could result in a severe fine or banishment from future football gatherings for a period to be determined by the rest of the men in the group. This also covers the wasting of beer in the name of humor, as outlined again by the Men of the Square Table. One may be immediately forgiven if you agree to eat a cracker spread with Potted Meat product.
Man Law #57: A man does not have to like another man to drink his beer. Beer is beer — This one is tough and one that you need to proceed with caution on. Be careful when abiding by this man law that it doesn’t obligate you into inviting that person over to your place to watch football. Be on the lookout for a “mooch”. A mooch is one who will on a rare occasion offer up a free beer right before the start of football on Sunday. The Mooch is hoping to get the invite into the man cave to watch your new 65 inch HD 1080p plasma television with the NFL Sunday Ticket. Upon entering he will then proceed to consume all your beer, chips and other game-day prepared food.…all this for just a single beer.
Man Law #60: No man may ever sell a beer to a friend. It’s understood that said friend will repay beer with beer later. Under no circumstance may the replacement beer be of a lesser quality. — This man law is meant for football / poker buddies. If you receive a beer through a transaction covered in Man Law #57 involving a Mooch, you may break this man law.
Man Law #63: Body paint is only acceptable on a man if it’s on game day and to support his team — 8 Donkeys needs to again provide a little clarity here. If you are heading over to a buddies house to watch football or to a bar, this rule does not apply – YOU JUST LOOK STUPID. However, if you are in the stadium watching your favorite NFL team, then paint away.
Man Law #64: No man shall bring a woman to guy’s night out. This is punishable by verbal abuse for life — A law usually broken by those newly married or in a new relationship. This is among the most severe of all man law’s to break. The only time this law can be broken would be if the said man brings any of the following to guys night out: Michelle Monaghan, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, or Giselle Bundchen. The ladies on Buddy Lee’s Top 10 Actresses in their 30’s list would also be allowed at guys night!
Man Law #72: Keeping beer from other’s by hiding it in the fridge is not permissible. Besides, sharing is caring — 8 Donkey’s sees another opportunity to allow the Men of the Square table to lead the way…Sharing is caring fellas!
Man Law #73: Wives and girlfriends may not store items other than beer in the garage fridge. It is for beer only — You are responsible for enforcing this rule. Do not let another man go into your fridge and discover your girlfriend or wife has stored their Smirnoff Watermellon Ice beverages in the fridge. Devoute followers of this law, when visiting other followers of Man Law #73 expect there to be beer and only beer in the fridge. Men will likely never look when grabbing what they expect to be beer from the fridge. Should they grab a wine cooler they could go into shock upon taking a drink, resulting a trip to the emergency room and ruining football Sunday.
Man Law #79: It should be understood that while, yes, cheerleading is not a sport, it is perfectly acceptable to watch — and watch we will. J-E-T-S, Jets Jets Jets…watch and you will soon see why Brett Favre returned for another season and certainly won’t mind his new home in New York.
Man Law #99: Bitching about the brand of free beer in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable — This would be the only acceptable time you can complain when given free beer. If you are providing the beer it needs to be cold…period!
Man Law #102: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean — Again use judgement here. If that woman happens to be one of the following: the ladies referenced in Man Law #64, Amanda Beard, Maria Kirilenko, Haley Cope or Alisson Stokke then the rule may be relaxed.
Man Law #105: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing. You should know such things — If you have to ask whose playing you either #1: sit down with a plate of food and a beer, continually stuffing your face until you can catch-up. While stuffing your face with food, you will not be able to talk and likely won’t be asked anything other than food related questions easily answered with some form of a head nod, #2: keep walking not saying a word or #3: quietly get up and LEAVE. If you have to take option #3 and brought beer, the punishment in-lieu of ridicule is to leave the beer.
8 Donkeys certainly hopes you find this information useful. Knowing the above man laws could help avert disaster during the upcoming NFL season. Good Luck and may your NFL team do well this upcoming season unless they happen to be the New England Patriots. And if for some reason Bill Belichick happens upon this blog: GET A NEW SWEATSHIRT!