NFL Billion Dollar Club

In looking at the report that just came out stating that NFL team values now average over a billion dollars each – we could not help but think about what those NFL teams have been getting for that money over the years. And what else they could be spending it on. Now don’t get us wrong – no one loves the NFL more then us – but we just thought we should take a look. We’ll start with the AFC this week.

EAST

Buffalo Bills: They had Bruuuuuce and Kelly but also a field that’s frozen half the year and the never ending memory of “wide right”. They could buy over 1.4 billion hot wings from the Anchor in Buffalo. That’s a lot of heartburn – but 4 consecutive losses in the Super Bowl has to hurt more.

New England Patriots: Okay so they seem to have gotten their moneys worth recently – I mean we’ve been the beneficiary of countless gratuitous Gisele shots in luxury booths – but this franchise had a rough time before that. Does anyone remember Grogan and the 1985 super bowl? And to make matters worse – they are collectively feeling the pain of losing golden boy Tom Brady for the season – and more importantly the accompanying Gisele sightings. They could buy over 22 million bra’s from Victoria’s Secret – who cares if she doesn’t work there anymore. We can’t seem to find any argument against this.

Miami Dolphins: 1972 was a heckuva long time ago. Since then Miami has had a few good things – Marino and their cheerleading squad – but they’ve had to survive hurricanes, Ray Lucas, Jimmy Johnson’s hair, and other nature disasters. The could buy nearly 91 million mojitos in South Beach and watch the scenery.
New York Jets: Its been 31 years between Namath and Favre. Ouch. You’ve got to wonder if some fans didn’t want to hire some north Jersey Soprano assistance to help the team management ‘refocus’. They could buy 50 million lap dances at the Bada Bing and who’s gonna worry then?

NORTH

Baltimore Ravens: Ray Lewis and some defense that’s been fun to watch for this younger franchise led to one great victory. But down by the ha’bar in Bal-more they’ve had to suffer through a string of poor QB’s and now get to watch and see if Flacco joins the long line. They could buy over 30 million pounds of crab legs and hang out down at the Hooters by the bay.
Cleveland Browns: The Browns 2.0 have been pretty woeful since their rebirth. We can’t think even Drew Carey believes they’ve gotten their moneys worth. The dog pound is more entertaining then the play they’ve gotten on the field. They could buy 100 million copies of Major League and laugh about another Cleveland franchise and forget their pain.
Cincinnati Bengals: Boomer Esiason to Carson Palmer – and oh yeah a ton of bail bonds lately. Ocho Cinco is undeniably entertaining but I’m not sure its been worth a billion dollars. They could buy over 52 million tickets to go to The Frog Bog instead – now that’s entertainment!
Pittsburgh Steelers: Big Ben, Jerome, and Hines have made for some recent fun – but the stretch after the Steel Curtain glory days was not a pleasant trip. Bubby Brister people – Bubby Brister. They could buy around 40 million cases of Iron City Beer and pretend every year is 1978.

SOUTH

Houston Texans: This young franchise has been down right painful to watch these last few years. So we’ll just look at their cheerleaders and hope for the best in the future. They could buy a billion copies of local band ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man to help with their inferiority complex.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Another young franchise that has struggled to find itself since it joined the league in 1995. Brunell seemed old in his first game with the Jags – and can you believe he’s still in the league! They had to change their first logo to keep Ford happy – maybe they should make them really happy. They could buy 9000 new 2009 Jaguar XKR-S and have some real fun.
Indianapolis Colts: Peyton and Marvin and Tony oh my! Its been the fun zone under the dome for a few years – but there were some ugly times in the years between the last good Colts team and now. Secret night escapes and the 1986 season, starting 0–13, come to mind. They could buy around 500,000 premium tickets to the Indy 500 and watch Danica Patrick and Ashley Judd instead.
Tennessee Titans: One yard can be a long way in football. Even Jeff’s mighty ‘stach has been unable to get the Titans to the promised land since their change from the good ol’ Oilers. They could buy 70 million Saved by the Bell DVD’s and watch Nashville native Lark Voorhies instead.

WEST

Denver Broncos: First off – its not Mile High Stadium anymore. So stop calling it that. Second, Terrell and Elway are retired. And finally its freakin’ cold there. They could buy 50 million copies of the Broncos cheerleaders calendar and mark the days until the sun comes back out.
Oakland Raiders: Ah for the days of Plunkett. The fans are still scary but the team lately has been even scarier. They could buy 25 million copies of Oakland native MC Hammers U Can’t Touch This and dance the pain away.
Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs have not won a Super Bowl since 1970. They have given us Okoye in Tecmo Bowl – but we’re not sure that makes up for over 37 years of pain for their fans. They could buy over 10 million really nice Kansas City steaks and have a nice barbeque we suppose.
San Diego Chargers: Yes they have LT – but they also have Norval. And they just lost Steroid Man for the season too. Hard to argue with their cheer squad tho. Or their beaches. Or their cheer squad on the beach. They could buy 100 million bottles of coconut oil for the cheer squad on the beach. We’ll leave you with that mental image.

6 Responses to “NFL Billion Dollar Club”


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